Holy shit. Once again my life has completely turned on its head. This has happened before. I am excited. It is going to be difficult and painful but wonderful and exciting.
I need to take a walk. I need to talk to someone. I am going to have a panic attack. A good one, but a panic attack nonetheless……
I chopped my hair into a long bob and I love it.
And now for things a little less easy and breezy…
Do I leap into it or do I sit back and see what happens?
Both can be equally exciting. ;)
took the bus home,
carried both bags with two good arms back to my studio apartment
and cooked myself dinner.
You and I may have different definitions of a good day.
This week, I paid my rent and my credit card bill,
worked 60 hours between my two jobs,
only saw the sun on my cigarette breaks
and slept like a rock.
Flossed in the morning,
locked my door,
and remembered to buy eggs.
My mother is proud of me.
It is not the kind of pride she brags about at the golf course.
She doesn’t combat topics like, ”My daughter got into Yale”
with, ”Oh yeah, my daughter remembered to buy eggs”
But she is proud.
See, she remembers what came before this.
The weeks where I forgot how to use my muscles,
how I would stay as silent as a thick fog for weeks.
She thought each phone call from an unknown number was the notice of my suicide.
These were the bad days.
My life was a gift that I wanted to return.
My head was a house of leaking faucets and burnt-out lightbulbs.
Depression, is a good lover.
So attentive; has this innate way of making everything about you.
And it is easy to forget that your bedroom is not the world,
That the dark shadows your pain casts is not mood-lighting.
It is easier to stay in this abusive relationship than fix the problems it has created.
Today, I slept in until 10,
cleaned every dish I own,
fought with the bank,
took care of paperwork.
You and I might have different definitions of adulthood.
I don’t work for salary, I didn’t graduate from college,
but I don’t speak for others anymore,
and I don’t regret anything I can’t genuinely apologize for.
And my mother is proud of me.
I burned down a house of depression,
I painted over murals of greyscale,
and it was hard to rewrite my life into one I wanted to live
But today, I want to live.
I didn’t salivate over sharp knives,
or envy the boy who tossed himself off the Brooklyn bridge.
I just cleaned my bathroom,
did the laundry,
called my brother.
Told him, “it was a good day.”"
Kait Rokowski (A Good Day)
I got the job. Shit is coming up roses, man.
I put my two weeks in at my crappy job today. Did I have another job lined up? No. But with ennui coursing through my veins I knew it was time for a great change even without a concrete course of action. All I knew was that I needed to get out of there. After months of my creativity lurking in a stagnant pool I have finally gotten the waters to pour forth again.
And how did I do this? Maybe I discovered a secret lake and made a way for the waters to flow in to my chain of events.
Maybe the pool finally filled up with enough of my spit to start trickling again.
I don’t care. All I know is that the moment I took this stab in the dark chance at a better life things began to look up.
I have an itinerary for the next few weeks. And a job interview next Thursday for a job I actually really want. A job that could actually appreciate my talents.
I want to spend the next few weeks thinking, traveling, meditating, planning, walking through forests, centering myself, getting into really great shape, and finding all of the little bits of myself and my life that make me unhappy and changing them.
I am so hopeful. The past few months have just been me trying to get by. But I don’t want to get through life—I want to live it.
So here starts another adventure. A break with my mundane existence.
I will run, breathe in the cool air and devour the fall colors. I couldn’t have picked a better time of year to do this.
I long for these moments of sincere contentment. Although I know there are things I need and want to change I know I have set the right course for satisfaction.
Due North, dear friends and strangers. I have some thinking, yearning, writing, breathing, biting, screaming, grasping, and licking to do.
And those sound sexual. And indeed they are. But not quite in the way that you would probably imagine.
So busy these past few weeks. I may be getting a new job — I have my fingers crossed. I have a new place that I love. My cats are here. My friends are half a block away. I hate my job though. So much. I like the people but it is draining me. I really really hope they offer me the new job… 7-5 all week. Only 4 days though… I think I can make it. :P All my friends get this whole week off of school though and I can’t help feeling jealous. I belong in school not at this horrible job.