I’ve hit rock bottom a few times in my life. And it was horrible. Hopeless. But I cannot even EXPRESS how much better things can get. You will, at some point in your life, experience a moment that completely validates how bad you used to feel. At some point you will be so happy you felt that way so you can completely understand how wonderful it is to feel the way you do now. And if not now then in the future. It is so possible. I am so glad I never did anything drastic. I am so reactionary. But right now I am SO happy. And so in love. Never before have I experienced anything so perfect and real. Ahhhh! And if it ends I’m better than I was before. Because I know it can be good again. It can always be good again. No matter what. There is NOTHING that you can’t get over. There is NO ONE that you cannot get over. I bet my life on it. 

I’ve been ex-boyfriend free since Friday morning before I went to work. No texting. Nothing. I was sitting on the porch today (we unfortunately share a house. He’s upstairs and I’m down. It sucks knowing when he is home/not home.) with my headphones in and he walked past me to go to the dumpster. I was shaking like a leaf but I completely ignored him. It is so difficult. I have to keep myself from texting him. It is best this way. I’m already okay and I know that each day that passes will make it easier and easier. He wasn’t good for me. Also too old for me. I feel like I don’t even know him. And I thought he was “the one.” *Sigh* I am NOT looking now. I am going to stay single for a long time. I’ve been in one relatioship after another since I was 19. It’s time to stop. 

This weekend was a blast—more than any before it. I went camping on Friday, went swimming and sunning on Saturday, dancing at Merlin’s Saturday night, carousel riding and swinging this morning, swimming and hiking in the afternoon, and then three hours of guitar this evening. This will be so good for me. I need to stay busy, because if I don’t I start freaking. I hate this stuff. But it is character building? maybe? ugh 

I haven’t posted in a while. I forgot I had a tumblr! So much has changed since November. I fell in love, bought a car, got a raise, made new friends, tried a lot of new things, and then destroyed my relationship. That last bit kind of burns. He’s wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. So smart and creative and caring. But he’s too old for me, I guess. He already has a family. Any future with him would have forced me to sacrifice some things I may not have been willing to sacrifice. Who knows. Or it could have been beautiful and surreal and magical for always. I try not to think that way. 

wilwheaton:

Forever Reblog.

(Source: angryblackman)

Well this is pretty darn neat!

Decorated for Christmas (already). New hair. New guy in my life (a very talented writer no less). New job. Things are going pretty swell. :)

Decorated for Christmas (already). New hair. New guy in my life (a very talented writer no less). New job. Things are going pretty swell. :)

Holy shit. Once again my life has completely turned on its head. This has happened before. I am excited. It is going to be difficult and painful but wonderful and exciting. 

I need to take a walk. I need to talk to someone. I am going to have a panic attack. A good one, but a panic attack nonetheless……

I chopped my hair into a long bob and I love it. 

And now for things a little less easy and breezy…

Do I leap into it or do I sit back and see what happens?

Both can be equally exciting. ;)

Love the design in this show!

CUTE!

My first week of work was great. :) Super happy with it!!!! :D

My first week of work was great. :) Super happy with it!!!! :D

  1. Camera: iPod touch
  2. Aperture: f/2.4
  3. Exposure: 1/30th
  4. Focal Length: 3mm
I am feeling pretty good. Quitting my horrible job was the best thing I could have done. Sure, I am a little concerned with finances at the moment, but everything is paid up for October and I should get my first paycheck by the beginning of November. I start my new job at the Sheriff’s office on Monday. I am so pleased. I don’t make tons but I have health insurance and benefits, and best of all the job suits me. It is something I can thrive at. I work at my own pace (pretty damn quick) and they trust me enough to let me get my stuff done without hounding me or looking over my shoulder. I am excited and so ready for a challenge.I’ve been trying to get all zenned out personally. I’ll say this at least: I have been so much worse off in the past. I feel pretty healthy and I am working out, eating clean, getting at peace with my mind and body. 
And, for the first time in my life, I am popular. I have lots of friends and more people who want to be my friend all the time. It is strange. It’s so funny how unimportant High School becomes. Everything that happened and everyone that scared me are completely irrelevant. Ha HA! I am doing so much better than so many people. Maybe I was one of the lucky ones all along? 
Who knows. This doesn’t feel like luck.

I am feeling pretty good. Quitting my horrible job was the best thing I could have done. Sure, I am a little concerned with finances at the moment, but everything is paid up for October and I should get my first paycheck by the beginning of November. I start my new job at the Sheriff’s office on Monday. I am so pleased. I don’t make tons but I have health insurance and benefits, and best of all the job suits me. It is something I can thrive at. I work at my own pace (pretty damn quick) and they trust me enough to let me get my stuff done without hounding me or looking over my shoulder. I am excited and so ready for a challenge.

I’ve been trying to get all zenned out personally. I’ll say this at least: I have been so much worse off in the past. I feel pretty healthy and I am working out, eating clean, getting at peace with my mind and body. 

And, for the first time in my life, I am popular. I have lots of friends and more people who want to be my friend all the time. It is strange. It’s so funny how unimportant High School becomes. Everything that happened and everyone that scared me are completely irrelevant. Ha HA! I am doing so much better than so many people. Maybe I was one of the lucky ones all along? 

Who knows. This doesn’t feel like luck.

"Yesterday, I spent 60 dollars on groceries,
took the bus home,
carried both bags with two good arms back to my studio apartment
and cooked myself dinner.
You and I may have different definitions of a good day.
This week, I paid my rent and my credit card bill,
worked 60 hours between my two jobs,
only saw the sun on my cigarette breaks
and slept like a rock.
Flossed in the morning,
locked my door,
and remembered to buy eggs.
My mother is proud of me.
It is not the kind of pride she brags about at the golf course.
She doesn’t combat topics like, ”My daughter got into Yale”
with, ”Oh yeah, my daughter remembered to buy eggs”
But she is proud.
See, she remembers what came before this.
The weeks where I forgot how to use my muscles,
how I would stay as silent as a thick fog for weeks.
She thought each phone call from an unknown number was the notice of my suicide.
These were the bad days.
My life was a gift that I wanted to return.
My head was a house of leaking faucets and burnt-out lightbulbs.
Depression, is a good lover.
So attentive; has this innate way of making everything about you.
And it is easy to forget that your bedroom is not the world,
That the dark shadows your pain casts is not mood-lighting.
It is easier to stay in this abusive relationship than fix the problems it has created.
Today, I slept in until 10,
cleaned every dish I own,
fought with the bank,
took care of paperwork.
You and I might have different definitions of adulthood.
I don’t work for salary, I didn’t graduate from college,
but I don’t speak for others anymore,
and I don’t regret anything I can’t genuinely apologize for.
And my mother is proud of me.
I burned down a house of depression,
I painted over murals of greyscale,
and it was hard to rewrite my life into one I wanted to live
But today, I want to live.
I didn’t salivate over sharp knives,
or envy the boy who tossed himself off the Brooklyn bridge.
I just cleaned my bathroom,
did the laundry,
called my brother.
Told him, “it was a good day.”"

Kait Rokowski (A Good Day)

Love this!

(Source: justsingyourlifeaway)

I got the job. Shit is coming up roses, man.